||[Oct. 5th, 2011|04:22 am]
I hate Livejournal. When I write in this it's never good and today is no different, |
Rusty won't make it through the week,
I've really only had three people in my life I've loved outside of my family. They were my other family. Ones I truly feel are a part of me. I've lost a part of me already and I'm about to lose another. The only one who has really always been there. Who has never been unhappy to see me for all these years. My dog.
"Dog",,,he feels like so much more. He's a friend I've never fought with, a friend who's never hurt me, and a friend who I've known my entire life. In losing him I'll lose another piece of me. Another spot in my heart hardened forever. I part of me will die with him.
I've been telling myself for a very long time not to look to the past. Not to miss what was, for fear I'll tear open wounds that want to be re-opened. I've always had a problem with authority...even my own. The worst feeling in my world is knowing I will no longer be able to make new memories with my pup.
I'll no longer see him waiting for me on the front step as I enter my home. I wont be able to hold his fat bushy body. I won't be able to bug him when he's trying to sleep. I'll even miss when he farts...then leaves my room.
I love Rusty because he is unlike any dog I've known. A full breed who acts like a mutt. It's as if he was fighting authority his own way. "Cocker Spaniels love water? Fuck that! I don't even like grass."
He is always there when I'm lonely. A quality I've only known from him. In all that time of loneliness he's never once said a word to soothe me...he never had to. I've spent so much time with him I could read his mind I've felt. Like I was Dr.Dolittle or some pet psychic. I guess when you spend over three fourths of your life a friend, see them everyday, that will happen.
I'm going to miss Rusty more than I've missed anything I've lost before. Am I a bad person? I've lost family...Human family members and I don't feel like I've taken it this badly...
I've never believed there is an afterlife waiting for us...But if there is one I hope to see Rusty waiting for me as I open the door.